“LaYinka, all I really want is for them to feel loved by me. That’s what I want.”
These were words that were spilled from one of my one-to-one clients. I remember as we were having our session together that day, I allowed her to continue and share all the things that she wanted in her relationship with her other half. When she finished, I kind of just gave it to her straight.
“You know you’re gonna be disappointed, right?”
She sat there, wide-eyed, wondering, “What? How could you say something like that? I’m planning to put in the work for them to feel my love; for them to feel that they’re meaningful to me.”
And I said, “I know. I know you’re gonna put in the work. I know you’re gonna do what it takes in order for you to get that outcome. But the thing is, that outcome is something completely out of your control.”
This is something I hear time and time again. It’s something I share in a few of my courses about the way we should and could go about setting goals. One of the key things I teach when it comes to setting goals and deciding what outcomes we want in our lives is: It must be something you have control over.
Now, if you go back to that example of my one-to-one client who wants her husband to feel loved by her, how is she going to control that? How is she going to control his feelings?
She can buy him flowers, chocolates, run baths for him, cook him wonderful meals, give him words of affirmation, tell him that she loves him from morning to night. The thing is, she inherently has no control over how the guy feels. So, she can do all the things, all the love, all the wonderful ways she can shower, show, display, and express her love to her husband and yet, the thing that she says she wants — for him to feel loved by her — she has no control over.
So, as you’re reading to this, this is my message and invitation to you:
Considering the outcomes and goals you’re setting in your life; the results you’re saying to yourself that you want, are they things you can maintain, initiate, and control? If any aspect of that goal lies at the hands of someone else — khalas, finished… you’ve lost it. Truly, you’ve lost the ability to control the result in order to get that thing.
I see and hear this from my clients and the ladies on my courses. It’s so prevalent, yet it’s something we aren’t even aware we’re doing. We hand over the result to someone else and we put the result at the hands of someone else where we say that we want something, but that thing is completely at the hands of someone else. If the thing that you want — a goal, an outcome, a result, whatever it may be — is at the hands or in the control of someone else and you’re setting that thing as your goal, then my lovely, that’s a goal that isn’t well formed and one that will be excruciatingly painful, difficult, and challenging for you to ever meet.
Examine what you’re saying that you want and desire in your life. Is it something you can take action to get? Is it something you can take action to initiate, maintain and work towards?
Let me point this out:
I’m not saying that you can’t get anyone’s help to achieve your goals, what I am saying is if any particular goal or thing that you want — for instance, my client saying that she wants her husband to feel loved by her. Well, she doesn’t have control over that because he’s got control over his feelings, right? What she could say instead is, “I want to show and express my love to my husband in the best way I can.”
Now, that’s different, right? And I’m sure you’d agree. Because right there, she has control over that, she can decide,
‘Yes, I’m going to run him a bath.’
‘Yes, I’m going to take him on a surprise trip.’
‘Yes, I’m going to buy him a bar of chocolate.’
Whatever it may be, she’s got control over that. But the moment she says, “I want him to feel this…” Girl, you ain’t got control over that.
Examine the results, outcomes, and goals you’re setting for yourself. Are they things you can maintain, initiate, have control over? And if they aren’t, you know what to do.
If you need any help and you want to discuss this, let’s talk about this in the comments, inshaAllah.