In today’s post, let’s talk about living from the heart of others. You may be wondering, what is living from the heart of others? It’s when you go along with what other people want or expect of you, without your heart fully engaging or wanting it. You know your heart doesn’t want it because you have an internal resistance to it, and yet, you choose to live from the heart of others and do as other people expect and want of you without wanting it for yourself.

When you go along with the desires of other people while your heart is completely disengaged and not present, you end up having a bitter taste in your mouth, and resentment starts growing and festering in your heart; and obviously, this has a knock-on effect on your behaviour. If you’re operating from a heart brimming with resentment, turmoil, and frustration, how is that going to translate into your actions? It’s going to be a complete reflection of what you do.

You end up having actions that seem like a waste of time, and so you do things and just think they’re a waste of time.
You may end up having angry outbursts.
You may operate from a place of passive-aggressiveness.

I know about that one — trust me. I grew up as a passive-aggressive person, as that was the only way I knew how to express my frustrations, anger, angst, and tension, by being passive-aggressive with the people around me — my loved ones, family, and friends. This is how it manifested that I was living from the heart of others.

It can also manifest in lack of enjoyment in the things you do without the soul being present. It feels empty and void like a wide, gaping hole you’re doing it from.

It can also lead to excessive frustration you can’t shake. When you get into a state where you just don’t know how to shake this feeling off, and people around you know there’s something off, and yet you don’t express what’s going on for you — this is when you’re living from the heart of others; this is what it can lead to.

From my personal experience and through the ladies I work with 1:1, I know that this act of choosing to live from the heart of others often stems from one of two places: fear and uncertainty.

Fear is like a thick tree with many branches, and some of the branches that stem from fear may be:

  • – fear of loss, of a relationship, job, status, or of people thinking of you a certain way
  • – fear of failure in inverted commas (because I have lots of views of failure as a notion)
  • – fear of changing the way things are — of doing something different from the status quo that you and others have always known and are comfortable with
  • – fear of stepping out of your comfort zone, which many of my clients complain about. It’s that fear of stepping out and being different and showing up for themselves in a truly different way
  • fear of not being liked or loved

These are just some of the many, many fears I’m sure you can identify if you’ve ever been, or if you are currently are at a place where you’re living from the heart of others.

As for uncertainty, it stems from not truly knowing who you are. The uncertainty of what you truly want stems from not knowing who you are, because if you don’t know who you are, then how can you know what you truly want, right? It’s from knowing who you are, from the core, rather than what you are. This is really a big distinction I want you to grasp — who you are is very separate from what you may are. You maybe a mother, a daughter, a wife, a student, a librarian, a writer; you may be xyz, but who is the woman behind that label? Knowing who you are will help you decipher what you want, right?

I’ve seen from the ladies who took the ‘Discover Your Self’ course last year how the actions and choices they make for themselves started changing because of the revelation of knowing who they are from Module 1. We know what the problem is. We know that living from the heart of others can breed resentment, anger, and frustration, and who wants to live with that? Who wants to live that way? I know I no longer wanted to, which is why I did the inner work to work through that.

So let’s talk about some of the things you could do to get going and to see beyond this place where you currently are where you are living from the heart of others.

#1 Identify your fears

Be upfront about what you’re afraid of and ask yourself, ‘What am I afraid of?’, ‘What is this fear getting me?’, ‘What’s this fear holding me back from?’ Be honest. Be really open with yourself. Accept anything and everything that comes up because you may be surprised of what does come up and it may be difficult for you to face. You may be afraid to face the fear, but do it anyway.

#2 Know what you want.

This requires you to get to know yourself beneath your labels. Who is the woman beneath the labels you currently own? Ask yourself, ‘what do I want and what would I get if I had what I want?’

These are some of the questions that you can explore with. You can write them down in a journal, or you can record them on your phone audio-wise so you can offload everything. I can tell you how cathartic and freeing it can feel to get it out of your heart and off your chestto be able to listen back to it, read back on it and make sense of what’s coming out. What often happens is everything stays in our mind and it becomes a massive mess and noise; and we can’t see anything clearly or make sense of anything clearly because it’s just so noisy. So a great way to offload our poor, old brain and mind is to get it out of there and onto paper or audio so we can start thinking about the choices we want to make.

From that point, once you have everything down, I encourage you to think of at least three things you have complete control over that will get you closer to what you want. At the end of the day, you only have complete control over yourself; you have zero control over anybody else’s thoughts, feelings or actions.

I hope today’s post has proven to be beneficial to you, that you can take immediate positive action based on what I have shared. If there’s anything that has come up for you, please leave a comment below.

Much love,

LaYinka
xxx

LaYinka Sanni is a former editor and college lecturer who is now a certified practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) — an approach centered around communication and rewiring the brain to achieve positive change. Under 'Evolve & Emerge', LaYinka assists Muslim women to work towards living with intentional purpose as their authentic self.

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